I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, so this week I’ve turned over my column to famed Graphic Designer/Astrologer Samoht Naphets, who has probed the cosmos and shuffled through his Illustrator-designed star charts to plot your course through this month in the creative cosmos. Enjoy!

Aries (Mar. 21 - April 19): With your Moon House in the Wacom Constellation, it will be difficult to stop you from purchasing an iPod you don’t really need. Don’t worry — your credit card is over the limit anyway and your current iPod just needs a little shim to steady the hard drive. Bad day for formatting DVDs.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Bad week for the Bull as you move through the influence of Uranus. Eat fiber and try not sitting at your desk too long.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Remember that you said you were waiting for that one cosmic sign as to when you should tell your boss to stick it, reformat your hard drive, toss your ID badge on her desk, light a cigarette and smoke it all the way out of the building? Guess what…that time hasn’t come yet. While you’re waiting, use the upper management email addresses for your porn accounts.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Bad day for a wireless connection. Worse day for a wire-filled connection. Stay at home, eat Cheetos and upgrade your copy of Adobe Creative Suite. Wash your hands to avoid cross-cheeto contamination.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): This is your month to shine! With your sign ascending into the House of 802.11n, every design project you touch will turn to gold. Unfortunately, Aries, Taurus, Gemini and Cancer people will hate you for it. Try not to leave work alone, and take a Virgo, Aquarius or Sagittarius with you. Make sure none of them run as fast as you — it will help create plausible deniability.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): A perfect time for that long-hidden desire for the potato-shaped, yet oddly attractive IT tech who is also a sensual Pisces. Think of the body odor as “musk” — it’ll help fan the flames of passion, and also divert your attention from the massive World of Warcraft Action Figure display in his studio apartment.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): Like all Libras, you strive for balance today, which is why you will balance equal amounts of brilliant graphic design at your current crap job with portfolio building and resume updating. Tonight: take a break from the usual drinking and passing out, and do laundry; you have a job interview tomorrow and don’t have any clean clothes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): You will download an illegal copy of Photoshop today from some obscure Russian site. You will think you’re very clever until you realize you can’t read Cyrillic. Smooth move, Comrade.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Fate smiles upon you as you are blessed with a brand new computer at work. Then fate kicks you in the dangly bits when you discover a “Vista” sticker on the front of it. Then fate smiles again, as the boss has hired someone whose sole job is to click on all those pop-up approval windows.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): You will make the sudden and unexpected decision to try self-employment this week when someone from upper management sticks their head in the door and says “Hey — I finally got a copy of InDesign so I don’t have to bother you all the time! Can you drop by and teach me how to use it in about an hour?”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): A Leo will ask you if you’d like to walk out of work together. If you’re a professional runner, say yes. If not…suggest the Sagittarius with the powdered donut habit.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Frank, you owe me 20 bucks for getting the hot GD Virgo to even THINK of making out with your lumpy body. I’ll take PayPal, and don’t make me wait.

Thomas (Tom) Stephan | Director of Something Clever
BoDo Author | Dyer Straits | Working Pro bono