“He knows just how to press my buttons,” said a recent client. “He knows exactly what ticks me off…and he’s a master at it.”

Truth be told, people rarely press your buttons. It’s much more accurate to say that you pressed your own! Your conflict hot buttons say a whole lot more about you than they say about the other person because what bothers you doesn’t necessarily bother someone else. Here’s why:

You’re triggered in conflict—and feel like your buttons are being pushed—when another’s words or actions imply a threat to some part of your identity. Your identity is how you see yourself in the world and how you want others to view you. Common conflict hot buttons are:

• Competence: There’s an implied threat to your intelligence or your abilities. If you have this trigger, you have a heightened sensitivity to being slighted, judged, or insulted.
• Inclusion: There’s an implied threat to being included in a group or event. If you have this trigger, you have a heightened sensitivity to being excluded or set apart.
• Autonomy: There’s an implied threat to your independence or free will. If you have this trigger, you have a heightened sensitivity to being manipulated, tested, or “managed.”
• Worthiness: There’s an implied threat to your value as a human. If you have this trigger, you have a heightened sensitivity to being unappreciated, unloved, or under-valued.

And here’s the rub: The threat doesn’t have to be a real one. When you’ve got a strong trigger (and the theory is that we all have at least one strong one), you hear a threat even when that’s not the other person’s intention. And the implied threat sets your reactions in motion, preventing your better self from participating in the conflict conversation.

When you learn how to manage your own conflict hot buttons, you not only make use of the power you’ve already got, but you also take back the power you gave away when you made it the other person’s fault that you’re feeling irritated.

To begin wrangling your hot buttons into submission, start taking notice when you’re finding yourself frustrated or even mildly irritated with a client, colleague, or family member. Ask yourself, what’s the message I’m hearing in what they’re saying? Notice the trend in your answers and you’ll probably be able to uncover your primary hot button. And when you know it, you can begin to neutralize it and reduce its hold on you.

Keep the channels open,
Tammy

Dr. Tammy Lenski | Mediator, Executive Coach, Business Development Consultant
I Can’t Say That! | Lenski Strategic | BoDo Author | Creative Conversations

Do you have a client conflict or difficult situation question you’d like Tammy to address in a future post? Just drop her a line.