Wait…wait…what exactly do you think you’re doing there?

Okay, stop. Just…just stop…step away from the Microsoft WordArt toolbar right now.

I mean it.

That’s right. Put the mouse down, buddy. Now what exactly were you trying to do here?

You’re trying to show me how this brochure should look? Wow. Okay…I can accept that. I get the idea. But if I recall right, I left a proof of the brochure on your desk a week ago. You were supposed to get back to me about this because it was vital and super important.

Yeah — that folder there…the one that your coffee cup’s sitting on. No, under the book. To your left. Your left. Your other left. Yes.

You didn’t like it? Is that it? You…you didn’t like it? Can I ask why?

“It’s not purpley enough?” That’s your answer to the question as to why you didn’t like it, and why it’s been a coffee cup parking lot for a week? “You just don’t like it?”

I’m sorry — lemme pick my jaw up off the floor for a second. It’s probably over here next to the other three proofs I left on your desk. Okay…I’m back.

Now…you don’t like it and it’s not ‘purpley’ enough…anything else?

It doesn’t have the photos you want on it…okay…which photos?

The ones you have on your camera…at home…that I’ve never seen nor heard of until now…right.

Okay. Well - you go ahead and get me those photos and I’ll see what I can do about the “purple issue.”

Oh, you DO have the photos? Oh good! Well that saves some time.

They’re on your phone. Your camera phone. And they’re 1 inch wide by 1 inch tall. And you want them to be 4×6 inches each.

*sigh

Okay. I tell you what. Because you’ve asked for the impossible, and you want it yesterday, and you want me to read your mind, I’m going to save myself the hassle of designing and beat you to death with this imitation leather chair in your office. I’m killing you with this chair because it’s cheap, tacky and disposable, and therefore your equal in many respects.

Please don’t scream…it’s demeaning. And nobody will hear your feeble cries for help because they’re all wearing headphones to drown out those phone calls you make where you bray about your colonoscopy and just how BIG that probe was.

I’m sorry it had to come to this, really I am. But honestly, ‘purpley’ isn’t even a word, and this is the third time you’ve used it. I’ll make you a deal though; if any of the welts I’m going to leave are the right shade of ‘purpley,’ you can take a photo with your camera phone and I’ll try to get that blown up to a usable size.

See how well things go when we communicate? Now stop dodging me…this is a small office and you’re an easy target…

Thomas (Tom) Stephan | Director of Something Clever
BoDo Author | Dyer Straits | Working Pro bono

I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, so this week I’ve turned over my column to famed Graphic Designer/Astrologer Samoht Naphets, who has probed the cosmos and shuffled through his Illustrator-designed star charts to plot your course through this month in the creative cosmos. Enjoy!

Aries (Mar. 21 - April 19): With your Moon House in the Wacom Constellation, it will be difficult to stop you from purchasing an iPod you don’t really need. Don’t worry — your credit card is over the limit anyway and your current iPod just needs a little shim to steady the hard drive. Bad day for formatting DVDs.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Bad week for the Bull as you move through the influence of Uranus. Eat fiber and try not sitting at your desk too long.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Remember that you said you were waiting for that one cosmic sign as to when you should tell your boss to stick it, reformat your hard drive, toss your ID badge on her desk, light a cigarette and smoke it all the way out of the building? Guess what…that time hasn’t come yet. While you’re waiting, use the upper management email addresses for your porn accounts.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Bad day for a wireless connection. Worse day for a wire-filled connection. Stay at home, eat Cheetos and upgrade your copy of Adobe Creative Suite. Wash your hands to avoid cross-cheeto contamination.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): This is your month to shine! With your sign ascending into the House of 802.11n, every design project you touch will turn to gold. Unfortunately, Aries, Taurus, Gemini and Cancer people will hate you for it. Try not to leave work alone, and take a Virgo, Aquarius or Sagittarius with you. Make sure none of them run as fast as you — it will help create plausible deniability.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): A perfect time for that long-hidden desire for the potato-shaped, yet oddly attractive IT tech who is also a sensual Pisces. Think of the body odor as “musk” — it’ll help fan the flames of passion, and also divert your attention from the massive World of Warcraft Action Figure display in his studio apartment.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): Like all Libras, you strive for balance today, which is why you will balance equal amounts of brilliant graphic design at your current crap job with portfolio building and resume updating. Tonight: take a break from the usual drinking and passing out, and do laundry; you have a job interview tomorrow and don’t have any clean clothes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): You will download an illegal copy of Photoshop today from some obscure Russian site. You will think you’re very clever until you realize you can’t read Cyrillic. Smooth move, Comrade.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Fate smiles upon you as you are blessed with a brand new computer at work. Then fate kicks you in the dangly bits when you discover a “Vista” sticker on the front of it. Then fate smiles again, as the boss has hired someone whose sole job is to click on all those pop-up approval windows.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): You will make the sudden and unexpected decision to try self-employment this week when someone from upper management sticks their head in the door and says “Hey — I finally got a copy of InDesign so I don’t have to bother you all the time! Can you drop by and teach me how to use it in about an hour?”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): A Leo will ask you if you’d like to walk out of work together. If you’re a professional runner, say yes. If not…suggest the Sagittarius with the powdered donut habit.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Frank, you owe me 20 bucks for getting the hot GD Virgo to even THINK of making out with your lumpy body. I’ll take PayPal, and don’t make me wait.

Thomas (Tom) Stephan | Director of Something Clever
BoDo Author | Dyer Straits | Working Pro bono

Welcome to BoDo:
The Business of Design online launch

Introducing Creative Coaching

BoDo’s host of Creative Coaching is Mark McGuinness, a business coach for creative professionals at Wishful Thinking. Mark will share his experience of facilitating the creative process, maintaining motivation and enthusiasm, and developing essential communication, collaboration and management skills.

Based in London, Mark McGuinness works with individuals and companies across a wide range of media – including design, film, literature, advertising, music, acting, computer games, architecture, marketing, photography, fashion, TV and radio. He’s even a published poet to boot. Mark will be writing about creative thinking and execution, maintaining enthusiasm, essential communication and collaboration skills, and offer tips on how to inspire, manage and develop others without turning into a “suit.”

Mark brings to BoDo an uncommon perspective. He has been coaching creative and business professionals for over 10 years. Originally trained as a psychotherapist, he also holds an MA in Creative and Media Enterprise. There aren’t many, if any, other resources out there where you tap into the expertise of a psychotherapist to help maintain your sanity, drive and broaden your communication skills.

The BoDo Team
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