I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT FISH

I was going to write about design as a business, but I’ve decided not to, at least not today. Today, in lieu of design, I would like to talk about fish.

Oh? Sure, I’ll repeat that: I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT FISH. Okay? Ok.

I have a fish tank. Ten gallons, plastic plants, very quiet internal filter, gravel, and a little rock that was quite neat when I bought it but under the water and the lights looks like a Gay Pride float.

Anyway.

I had a fish tank as a kid, but as an adult (I’m allowed to use that term, right?) I am enjoying the fish experience in a whole new way. I like to call it “fish-o-vision.” I will literally spend an hour watching the fish interact, swim, move, eat. For fun and to screw with the fish I have several games like “tap the fish tank when they get really close to the glass,” and “squash two identical cubes of tubifex worms on opposite ends of the tank and see which one they think is bigger.”

In short, it’s fun to be God.

But, the best game ever, in the minds of my fish, has to be…”Poop or Food?”

The rules are simple: if it’s floating in the tank, suck it into your mouth. If it’s food, they eat it. If it’s poop, they spit it out. Sometimes they have to suck and spit a coupla times, apparently making absolutely sure it’s food (or poop)

Oh, it’s fun. Sometimes the poop in question just came out of the fish trying to eat it. More often than not, the poop comes from a fish who’s been swimming around with the rest of the fish, but the moment, and I mean the MOMENT it ‘breaks free’ it’s a free-for-all game of Poop or Food. Occasionally, and this is pretty revolting in human terms, they won’t spit the poop out – they’ll just eat it and swim away. From the top of the tank to the bottom, and occasionally across the tank floor, Poop or Food is a game of chance no fish can resist.

I sense you might find this entire thread revolting. “Come on, Tom,” you groan. “Come on, why would you tell us about fish eating their own crap?”

And my response is: “Yup, it’s gross…imagine how I feel when I see humans playing Poop or Food?”

I read through massive amounts of online postings about people with difficult bosses or clients, who make their lives hell, and then I hear justifications for continuing with those clients. Every day, there’s another “client from Hell” or “Ultimate PiTA” that graces the HOW or the About forums. You can call it job security or “trying to educate the client” but in reality, it’s Poop or Food.

You are not a fish. Don’t play Poop or Food.

Here are some helpful hints in avoiding the preferred sport of aquarium fish everywhere.

1. Escape the fish tank. My fish are trapped in ten gallons of water. They have Poop or Food or Torture by Tom. You are not a fish. If you are self-employed, expand your horizons. Go to your chamber of commerce meetings. Create postcards you can hand out that demonstrate your skills. Make your website accessible via search engines. If you are employed in the Ninth Circle of Hell, practice your skills and get out.
2. If another fish craps it out, it’s probably poop. Remember the old adage where women marry men and hope to change them and men marry women and hope they won’t change? A client who has gone through three other designers doesn’t need you – they need a reality check. You will not save them. Do them a favor and let them fall into the gravel, where they will either rot or fertilize a better idea.
3. If it tasted like poop before, don’t eat it again. I think this is pretty self-explanatory. If you got screwed by a client once before, think REALLY hard before you take them up on another project. Or at least get some money up front.
4. Food becomes poop, and never the reverse. Do some genuine research into how other people work. Freelance, self-employed or in-house, remember that knowledge is power.
5. Remember that you are not a fish. When all else fails, stick to your humanity. There are plenty of humans willing to play Poop or Food out there…remember that while you chase after the good stuff in life.

until the next
Dyer Straits‘
Tom

Thomas (Tom) Stephan | Director of Something Clever
BoDo Author | Dyer Straits

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