Wait…wait…what exactly do you think you’re doing there?

Okay, stop. Just…just stop…step away from the Microsoft WordArt toolbar right now.

I mean it.

That’s right. Put the mouse down, buddy. Now what exactly were you trying to do here?

You’re trying to show me how this brochure should look? Wow. Okay…I can accept that. I get the idea. But if I recall right, I left a proof of the brochure on your desk a week ago. You were supposed to get back to me about this because it was vital and super important.

Yeah — that folder there…the one that your coffee cup’s sitting on. No, under the book. To your left. Your left. Your other left. Yes.

You didn’t like it? Is that it? You…you didn’t like it? Can I ask why?

“It’s not purpley enough?” That’s your answer to the question as to why you didn’t like it, and why it’s been a coffee cup parking lot for a week? “You just don’t like it?”

I’m sorry — lemme pick my jaw up off the floor for a second. It’s probably over here next to the other three proofs I left on your desk. Okay…I’m back.

Now…you don’t like it and it’s not ‘purpley’ enough…anything else?

It doesn’t have the photos you want on it…okay…which photos?

The ones you have on your camera…at home…that I’ve never seen nor heard of until now…right.

Okay. Well - you go ahead and get me those photos and I’ll see what I can do about the “purple issue.”

Oh, you DO have the photos? Oh good! Well that saves some time.

They’re on your phone. Your camera phone. And they’re 1 inch wide by 1 inch tall. And you want them to be 4×6 inches each.

*sigh

Okay. I tell you what. Because you’ve asked for the impossible, and you want it yesterday, and you want me to read your mind, I’m going to save myself the hassle of designing and beat you to death with this imitation leather chair in your office. I’m killing you with this chair because it’s cheap, tacky and disposable, and therefore your equal in many respects.

Please don’t scream…it’s demeaning. And nobody will hear your feeble cries for help because they’re all wearing headphones to drown out those phone calls you make where you bray about your colonoscopy and just how BIG that probe was.

I’m sorry it had to come to this, really I am. But honestly, ‘purpley’ isn’t even a word, and this is the third time you’ve used it. I’ll make you a deal though; if any of the welts I’m going to leave are the right shade of ‘purpley,’ you can take a photo with your camera phone and I’ll try to get that blown up to a usable size.

See how well things go when we communicate? Now stop dodging me…this is a small office and you’re an easy target…

Thomas (Tom) Stephan | Director of Something Clever
BoDo Author | Dyer Straits | Working Pro bono

I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, so this week I’ve turned over my column to famed Graphic Designer/Astrologer Samoht Naphets, who has probed the cosmos and shuffled through his Illustrator-designed star charts to plot your course through this month in the creative cosmos. Enjoy!

Aries (Mar. 21 - April 19): With your Moon House in the Wacom Constellation, it will be difficult to stop you from purchasing an iPod you don’t really need. Don’t worry — your credit card is over the limit anyway and your current iPod just needs a little shim to steady the hard drive. Bad day for formatting DVDs.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Bad week for the Bull as you move through the influence of Uranus. Eat fiber and try not sitting at your desk too long.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Remember that you said you were waiting for that one cosmic sign as to when you should tell your boss to stick it, reformat your hard drive, toss your ID badge on her desk, light a cigarette and smoke it all the way out of the building? Guess what…that time hasn’t come yet. While you’re waiting, use the upper management email addresses for your porn accounts.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Bad day for a wireless connection. Worse day for a wire-filled connection. Stay at home, eat Cheetos and upgrade your copy of Adobe Creative Suite. Wash your hands to avoid cross-cheeto contamination.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): This is your month to shine! With your sign ascending into the House of 802.11n, every design project you touch will turn to gold. Unfortunately, Aries, Taurus, Gemini and Cancer people will hate you for it. Try not to leave work alone, and take a Virgo, Aquarius or Sagittarius with you. Make sure none of them run as fast as you — it will help create plausible deniability.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): A perfect time for that long-hidden desire for the potato-shaped, yet oddly attractive IT tech who is also a sensual Pisces. Think of the body odor as “musk” — it’ll help fan the flames of passion, and also divert your attention from the massive World of Warcraft Action Figure display in his studio apartment.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): Like all Libras, you strive for balance today, which is why you will balance equal amounts of brilliant graphic design at your current crap job with portfolio building and resume updating. Tonight: take a break from the usual drinking and passing out, and do laundry; you have a job interview tomorrow and don’t have any clean clothes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): You will download an illegal copy of Photoshop today from some obscure Russian site. You will think you’re very clever until you realize you can’t read Cyrillic. Smooth move, Comrade.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Fate smiles upon you as you are blessed with a brand new computer at work. Then fate kicks you in the dangly bits when you discover a “Vista” sticker on the front of it. Then fate smiles again, as the boss has hired someone whose sole job is to click on all those pop-up approval windows.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): You will make the sudden and unexpected decision to try self-employment this week when someone from upper management sticks their head in the door and says “Hey — I finally got a copy of InDesign so I don’t have to bother you all the time! Can you drop by and teach me how to use it in about an hour?”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): A Leo will ask you if you’d like to walk out of work together. If you’re a professional runner, say yes. If not…suggest the Sagittarius with the powdered donut habit.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Frank, you owe me 20 bucks for getting the hot GD Virgo to even THINK of making out with your lumpy body. I’ll take PayPal, and don’t make me wait.

Thomas (Tom) Stephan | Director of Something Clever
BoDo Author | Dyer Straits | Working Pro bono

My God, the Internet is really big.

I mean, naturally we all know that The Internet is a worldwide, publicly accessible network of interconnected computer networks that transmit data by packet switching using the standard Internet Protocol (IP), but really, folks…do you REALLY know what it is?

Yesterday, while ripping the paragraph you just suffered through on Wikipedia, I just found out the Internet and the World Wide Web are not the same thing. That’s just mind-blowing to me. And then I started thinking about all the stuff I’m vaguely sure I know absolutely nothing about.

Here’s a short list:

1. E-mail - How DOES it get from America to Thailand? How can I NOT be paying for that?
2. https:// - (how can adding the ’s’ make my data secure from theft? I mean, I’m sure there’s some big technology behind it, but really, it makes me think of the guy who put on a Superman shirt and then promptly shot himself, thinking the “S” would protect him.
3. Girls.
4. Why a web page built for Internet Explorer looks TOTALLY different on Firefox, Safari and everybody else’s computer. I thought it was all built on the same thing. You build a chair out of wood, following the right directions. That chair will look the same even if those directions are Japanese or English.
5. Why, when I print something out from the Web, does it cut the edge off the page? PDF files shrink to fit, why not Web Pages?

The list goes on and on. If I was dropped on a desert island and asked to explain the Internet, I’d be eaten by the natives LONG before I started making sense (primarily because I’m a big tasty fat *$^#, but I digress).

But I’ve got a Master’s Degree! And I’ve been working in print and graphics and journalism for ten years! I’m not stupid…I’m just not capable of comprehending things that have NO possible way of reaching my own experience.

Yes, It’s true that I could take a class on such things, or look it up on the Web (oh the IRONY!) But even then, my understanding will be limited to how I can parse that information through things that I already know. For example, I have a friend whose job is finding oil under the ocean floor using satellite-guided sensor technology so advanced that it requires the use of TWO supercomputers. She feeds specialized data and algorithmic parameters into this computer, flips a switch, and gets a map that only VAGUELY resembles a human thumbprint. Then she studies this map, seeks patterns in the data streams, and makes a calculated guess, which often turns out to be absolutely right.

And that took me almost seven years to understand. And I wondered why she always had this odd look on her face when I said “So, how was work?”

And yet I realize that I am only a fraction more bright than the average Internet user, which makes me only a fraction brighter than a client who wants a website built for a business or program or school or service. I know why they want something to just “work” or just “be secure.” It’s because for most folks out there surfing away on the Web (which is located ON the Internet, by the way), the Internet may indeed be run by small gnomes with calculators. They don’t know. They might like to know, but only if that information is presented in a manner in which they, in their everyday lives, will comprehend.

For the yarn store saleslady, the web is a skein of yarn, hopelessly entangled. For the realtor, it’s rows of houses in an endless loop. For porno film-makers, it’s…um….wellllll….

Okay, I think I’ve made my point.

Thomas (Tom) Stephan | Director of Something Clever
BoDo Author | Dyer Straits