My God, the Internet is really big.

I mean, naturally we all know that The Internet is a worldwide, publicly accessible network of interconnected computer networks that transmit data by packet switching using the standard Internet Protocol (IP), but really, folks…do you REALLY know what it is?

Yesterday, while ripping the paragraph you just suffered through on Wikipedia, I just found out the Internet and the World Wide Web are not the same thing. That’s just mind-blowing to me. And then I started thinking about all the stuff I’m vaguely sure I know absolutely nothing about.

Here’s a short list:

1. E-mail - How DOES it get from America to Thailand? How can I NOT be paying for that?
2. https:// - (how can adding the ’s’ make my data secure from theft? I mean, I’m sure there’s some big technology behind it, but really, it makes me think of the guy who put on a Superman shirt and then promptly shot himself, thinking the “S” would protect him.
3. Girls.
4. Why a web page built for Internet Explorer looks TOTALLY different on Firefox, Safari and everybody else’s computer. I thought it was all built on the same thing. You build a chair out of wood, following the right directions. That chair will look the same even if those directions are Japanese or English.
5. Why, when I print something out from the Web, does it cut the edge off the page? PDF files shrink to fit, why not Web Pages?

The list goes on and on. If I was dropped on a desert island and asked to explain the Internet, I’d be eaten by the natives LONG before I started making sense (primarily because I’m a big tasty fat *$^#, but I digress).

But I’ve got a Master’s Degree! And I’ve been working in print and graphics and journalism for ten years! I’m not stupid…I’m just not capable of comprehending things that have NO possible way of reaching my own experience.

Yes, It’s true that I could take a class on such things, or look it up on the Web (oh the IRONY!) But even then, my understanding will be limited to how I can parse that information through things that I already know. For example, I have a friend whose job is finding oil under the ocean floor using satellite-guided sensor technology so advanced that it requires the use of TWO supercomputers. She feeds specialized data and algorithmic parameters into this computer, flips a switch, and gets a map that only VAGUELY resembles a human thumbprint. Then she studies this map, seeks patterns in the data streams, and makes a calculated guess, which often turns out to be absolutely right.

And that took me almost seven years to understand. And I wondered why she always had this odd look on her face when I said “So, how was work?”

And yet I realize that I am only a fraction more bright than the average Internet user, which makes me only a fraction brighter than a client who wants a website built for a business or program or school or service. I know why they want something to just “work” or just “be secure.” It’s because for most folks out there surfing away on the Web (which is located ON the Internet, by the way), the Internet may indeed be run by small gnomes with calculators. They don’t know. They might like to know, but only if that information is presented in a manner in which they, in their everyday lives, will comprehend.

For the yarn store saleslady, the web is a skein of yarn, hopelessly entangled. For the realtor, it’s rows of houses in an endless loop. For porno film-makers, it’s…um….wellllll….

Okay, I think I’ve made my point.

Thomas (Tom) Stephan | Director of Something Clever
BoDo Author | Dyer Straits